hdjskhfksdla (what it's like)

i don't know

already though 

i'm nervous, so be careful

this could hurt us 

or maybe just me 

or maybe just me, okay

i don't talk 

out loud, a lot 

the sky looks 

nice with *

right 

under it

or maybe it's just me 

or maybe it's just me. 

The sand and the sea.

The waves and the wuuusshh,

that they make when they're going the other way, 

opposite, the shore. 

see this is what i mean

if you hold my hand, and it's raining 

and the phone doesn't ring 

all day, long day, 

as long as a frozen play

the time it takes a dull speech to be made

are you awake

are you awake 

i'll stay 

if you promise me something

anything

really anything

at all 

and 

and if you hold my hand, and it's raining.

today

Oh it hurts enough

to know 

this much 

and growing up 

when I am touched 

it feels and rushes down 

down to my ankles 

rises up again and 

someone made it 

such a tricky game 

so I am not focused on winning 

I am not a 

will you tell me 

(when it's over)

if the ache is gone forever

I will run and I will never 

stop. 

The way in which he walked away 

that time, 

with a blank stare and a smile that said something 

along the lines of 

I can go days without your voice

and I've already seen a more beautiful late afternoon... 

but do you see the birds are out 

they chirp and tweet but most of all they shout 

for you and me, 

because it's obvious, 

the sea 

in which we swim has finally

grown smaller 

than our fins and the quiet we've been keeping in 

strays, seeping from our quivering chins 

and you haven't looked as lived in 

since I realized that you'd given in

already 

the apparent mess that persists 

makes you twist and turn like cold spaghetti

limp, and just not the same, 

and just not the same. 

"ohhhhh, sweeettt nothinnnnnn'..."

Oh no, she didn't see it comin' 

'fraid to slow down, 

been fast, runnin' for a long time 

past the great vines and the bus stop and the place where

all the great 

big 

hot 

and hard headed men wait around for a beer and come mornin' 

child, wild as all hell, 

she will be more awake than ever

cold, 7a.m., fire in her eyes, and the getting back to where you belong, 

and oh, no, she didn't even see it comin' 

but lord was she ready...

there is sugar in your fucking soy milk

THIS SHOULDN'T BE AS HARD AS IT 

is, 

because we had it figured out and there were plans and 

you smiled when I nodded and I'd count the days you weren't around

and then the minutes, but now the sounds of your heavy footsteps at night 

late, 

and angry 

and maybe a little drunk, 

and jealous and I TOLD YOU SO, 

you're saying it 

without saying it 

without saying it

without saying it 

I cleaned up, 

but don't mention it, you know..

my heart pounds like heavy rain hard on concrete and furious with the sky!

...but I digress.

what now construction men

there is a little kitten, black 

in my lap and 

outside my apartment men are making a lot of noise

and it sounds like 

ssswwwwssshhhhh and beep beep beep beep and uuunngggggggggggggg

drowning out the sound of the T and the cars and the people that walk by, 

and I'm in here, 

most of the time, 

I'm in here with an angry stomach and

ian curtis the kitten is asleep and 

morrissey the cat is on a different adventure in a different room- 

this is a very small apartment 

but there's usually enough room in it to feel lonely, 

green ginger tea, 

anxiety, 

and trying hard to remember other places.