penny said ariel

 thought that the mess was an illusion we created just to 

 pick up the pieces because there hadn't been anything to 

 keep us happy together after six days of nothing but sun 

 now the mood rustles across us like tumbleweeds in an

 abandoned city and aching for a resuscitation that won't

ever save us sad and lonely we've had the only thing that

matters enough to want it back so don't come here with

tears in your beautiful eyes because the distance inside

makes these bones feel heavy and I can't carry them a r

o u n d like this much longer.

grey faced

you keep smiling

in between

all my thinking

and it feels terrible again to feel

like just a piece of some half eaten cake, you know

just half there

half not

and whatever

if I am because it

makes no difference whether I am

paralyzed or

a goddamned olympic medalist running so fast

never looking back

fire and anger towards

an alcoholic mother and some

faraway feeling to fuel me

I'll stay lost

and it won't cost you a thing

I miss you though but

you crack under the white lights that rush toward us on the way to my apartment,

still smiling,

still smiling.

;

that didn't mean anything

go into my room and get 

that book on my dresser

it makes me feel like something

is bound to 

get better, 

please

I'm awake in all of my dreams, 

sleep take your sweet time

and then it was tomorrow.

pale in comparison

on some days it's more likely that I'll 

die in some small way 

abstract and 

slightly similar to other 

small deaths, so I

burry myself in 

bukowski

you know, he said 

"you have to die a few times before you can really live"

and

that truth hollows me out and 

fills me up just the same, that man 

honest like some 

blue eyed boy and 

ariel

this place

these walls 

i'll be late for class if I don't gather my feelings up from off of the hardwood

floor or 

just leave them there. 

bits and pieces.

I'll make sure I cross that name out before I forget to 

and let you read it without thinking. 

Outside, a man with a tiny umbrella has been places that I haven't been today and 

I will shower and 

go to work, but 

I wanted to get something out of me 

Shake it off of my skin that doesn't feel anything. 

That was a bold faced lie, he said 

and so I said 

What does that mean. 

You haven't even really tried, she said 

We'll at least now, for you, 

I'm clean, kind of. 

But with the alcohol, it doesn't hurt so bad 

and I can say whatever makes sense 

at the time

and if you reply with something unsettling 

it won't hit as hard

point out to me the 

doubt you that see when 

I am on my knees and telling you that 

I love you. 

tbd

I can't turn away without looking too hard 

first 

maybe it's a case of seeing everything

at once

and 

I can't tell anything

from anything else

in the basement of 

the very first place

that I'd ever lived 

I spent my days 

Imagining 

what I would give

away 

to be somebody 

with 

another face

and all because I knew someone 

with bright blue eyes 

and

blonde hair

past her shoulders, I 

could

not

get 

past that, 

past, at

last, it brings me 

down. 

they're not my feelings.

All of the tiny little specks

like monsters in the air

lurking around you, there,

and I.

and I can't catch just one breath,

and I.

and I can't tell if you're inhaling

or exhaling,

But I-

wish that you wouldn't go back

to where you came from,

she's wonderful,

she's wonderful!

but I need you mooooooore.

It's Not Beautiful Now

Over the course of 

Twenty two years and a loss that seems like forever is,

coming on strong with the wind 

seems more ready than I

He took the fastest road

That he knew of to get me 

Back where I hailed from

I give but I don't give enough 

and I didn't give him anything

but watery blue eyes

and 

weak hands on 

the steering wheel 

of his white work truck

and I'd like to think that I'm better off without 

the dirt in my mouth,

but I am constantly raging and he is courageous just 

to take me out, 

of this place that isn't a 

home or a

house, or 

beautiful, now.

thanks, bio lab report that I didn't understand well enough to finish.

Oh, this chemistry is gruesome 

"glad we've got each other"

but once it's gone, 

once it's gone 

it'll be sudden like a 

rainstorm in the middle of july 

because we can't ever get it back 

to spend forever trying to 

figure out what we lack

ed 

and what all those tears were about that time

what produced those, 

heavy drops on risen cheek bones, 

something in the science that we rely on to get us 

from here to 

there

to

to 

together.

where washington meets commonwealth.

She's not here anymore 

She's not here anymore 

But the cars still go 

Alone most of the the time

Sunk low most of the time

But the cars still go 

And the people still walk by my small dim lit room 

Talking to each other and going to be somewhere

and whether or not they get there

The cars still go. 

And I can hear the volume in the next room over

I can hear the light on and I can feel the distance 

and it's just a little cold but

The cars still go. 

And the aching in my body lets my fingers know 

that the winters' running faster than my blood can flow. 

In another place I'm sure I've got a smile on, 

I can sense it just a little when the shades are drawn, 

heavy blankets on, 

but the cars still go. 

and the cars still go.  

all the time, right now.

it's the worst on the way down

like swallowing a brick and 

and without anything to wash it down with. 

Dry. And this is the first October that I can recall feeling so 

Dry. Today just started and kept going and it hasn't stopped 

and I'm so 

I'm so tired 

but 

my room is cold. 

It's freezing and I don't remember what it's like to be in love or how a rose smells, 

and 

and it's a stinging feeling, 

just to know that.

and it's all the time, 

right now. 

what it's like (pt 2)

AND SO IT BEGINS. 

the thickening of skin 

we are forced to live in runs too thin 

runs

too 

thin 

purple 

fingers 

a 

cold 

that 

lingers 

too long.