do you want to hear it?

I think that I'm going to cry soon

until I explode and you'll all see

for a second

how much I feel

because it looks like a flock of seagulls

on fire

without pain

or it looks like almost nothing

except

December rain, tapping

at any windowpane

freezing before it even hits

the

glass,

and she said,

I don't know myself from

anybody else.

nothing

amounts to the air that surrounds us in

summer

some are strange

you know, those things you have

those, feelings

feel things loosening and hear them

tearing apart, a

terrifying game of

tug-o-war, the

rugged jeans he wore will

shape your future lover just as

they shaped his

ass pin the tail

because it's your birthday party and

we love you, oh

we loved you

then

remember if you can

forget if you can.

in turning belly aches into radiation, babe

and the last thing I heard

it was

no, I'm sorry, I cannot help you

there is no way that I can

help you

magnified like a missing wallet when you're late

already and disappointing because it was

your fault,

really, for

not being as impressive as was necessary-

lonely little owl,

the grey kitten left in a

cardboard box, NY

you-

mean a lot to me, I promise

but

I am in love with somebody, honestly

haunting how a part of me now is a

part of you

isn't it?

and my intentions

were not to take away

as I intended not to walk

away, so fast

rapid feet on concrete heading

past Brighton and its

1400s.

psyhike

almost there

you said, we've got a 

lot of things to talk about before we 

make it home

and then you walked 

onward

and eventually I did

also, but 

I must've stood there for an 

hour before I could scrounge together

bits and pieces 

of your body and 

find beauty in it's creases 

and where your neck meets

your shoulders

Surrounded by a thousand boulders, 

yet- 

not one as jagged as you. 

so it doesn't stick

after you let 

the bad feelings get you 

down the 

good will only seem 

farther 

away,

so when it's happening-

pretend it isn't.

I want to be kind of

alone in a big room

with you

enormous curtains and

flowers, blooming

constantly

i'll play dylan, you can

change it

if you want to

I'll still sing

it ain't me, babe

no, no, no,

it ain't me, babe

and they will talk about us when it's over

and we're at some dinner party

course we said it'd last forever

and our eyes will say

listen, papa the pasta's cold

Oh no , lil mama, I know, I'm old

and I can't make it better

and dylan

he keeps singing & he just keeps on singing in my ears & I hope he never stops

babe

we've all got a name

Seeing the same faces every day 

even when I stay inside 

grey walls

and not hiding anything I look out 

one of three windows 

with the shades drawn and I am imagining 

clouds inside; 

hovering up at the ceiling like small children with secrets

I play my guitar with a love that I found a few years ago 

in my old closet

in my old room 

at my parents house- 

made me feel new

and there is a girl in one of my classes 

made by watercolors and she would 

probably be a lot of fun to 

lay with on those 

old hardwood floors

but we barely ever use the front door anymore.

california

play breathing is deadly

and oddly enough 

I'm not bound 

to you. 

on the inner state in the seat behind the passenger seat looking out the window 

such a blank spot to be thinking about the places that you aren't that's what I do 

that's what I do. 

what I did see today

places 

that I find myself, lately

consisting of things like

my couch with a little to eat and 

eyes bigger than my stomach can be

it hurts to feel large blocks of hard and solid joy for too long and some  

boy of mine, runs 

outlines my ears and I meet him 

where my jaw meets my neck, last time I cried those tears, he 

took them back, said there

there, and on the bus ride away from a bigger bed than mine, and 

rushing past street signs, five past nine, morning

time, never waiting for 

anything, hate his smile

I can't

and she is where she is she is some delicate featured kind boned and quiet soul ready to light flames to her past, I know

we all, are

going 

places.

penny said ariel

 thought that the mess was an illusion we created just to 

 pick up the pieces because there hadn't been anything to 

 keep us happy together after six days of nothing but sun 

 now the mood rustles across us like tumbleweeds in an

 abandoned city and aching for a resuscitation that won't

ever save us sad and lonely we've had the only thing that

matters enough to want it back so don't come here with

tears in your beautiful eyes because the distance inside

makes these bones feel heavy and I can't carry them a r

o u n d like this much longer.

grey faced

you keep smiling

in between

all my thinking

and it feels terrible again to feel

like just a piece of some half eaten cake, you know

just half there

half not

and whatever

if I am because it

makes no difference whether I am

paralyzed or

a goddamned olympic medalist running so fast

never looking back

fire and anger towards

an alcoholic mother and some

faraway feeling to fuel me

I'll stay lost

and it won't cost you a thing

I miss you though but

you crack under the white lights that rush toward us on the way to my apartment,

still smiling,

still smiling.

;

that didn't mean anything

go into my room and get 

that book on my dresser

it makes me feel like something

is bound to 

get better, 

please

I'm awake in all of my dreams, 

sleep take your sweet time

and then it was tomorrow.

pale in comparison

on some days it's more likely that I'll 

die in some small way 

abstract and 

slightly similar to other 

small deaths, so I

burry myself in 

bukowski

you know, he said 

"you have to die a few times before you can really live"

and

that truth hollows me out and 

fills me up just the same, that man 

honest like some 

blue eyed boy and 

ariel

this place

these walls 

i'll be late for class if I don't gather my feelings up from off of the hardwood

floor or 

just leave them there. 

bits and pieces.

I'll make sure I cross that name out before I forget to 

and let you read it without thinking. 

Outside, a man with a tiny umbrella has been places that I haven't been today and 

I will shower and 

go to work, but 

I wanted to get something out of me 

Shake it off of my skin that doesn't feel anything. 

That was a bold faced lie, he said 

and so I said 

What does that mean. 

You haven't even really tried, she said 

We'll at least now, for you, 

I'm clean, kind of. 

But with the alcohol, it doesn't hurt so bad 

and I can say whatever makes sense 

at the time

and if you reply with something unsettling 

it won't hit as hard

point out to me the 

doubt you that see when 

I am on my knees and telling you that 

I love you. 

tbd

I can't turn away without looking too hard 

first 

maybe it's a case of seeing everything

at once

and 

I can't tell anything

from anything else

in the basement of 

the very first place

that I'd ever lived 

I spent my days 

Imagining 

what I would give

away 

to be somebody 

with 

another face

and all because I knew someone 

with bright blue eyes 

and

blonde hair

past her shoulders, I 

could

not

get 

past that, 

past, at

last, it brings me 

down. 

they're not my feelings.

All of the tiny little specks

like monsters in the air

lurking around you, there,

and I.

and I can't catch just one breath,

and I.

and I can't tell if you're inhaling

or exhaling,

But I-

wish that you wouldn't go back

to where you came from,

she's wonderful,

she's wonderful!

but I need you mooooooore.

It's Not Beautiful Now

Over the course of 

Twenty two years and a loss that seems like forever is,

coming on strong with the wind 

seems more ready than I

He took the fastest road

That he knew of to get me 

Back where I hailed from

I give but I don't give enough 

and I didn't give him anything

but watery blue eyes

and 

weak hands on 

the steering wheel 

of his white work truck

and I'd like to think that I'm better off without 

the dirt in my mouth,

but I am constantly raging and he is courageous just 

to take me out, 

of this place that isn't a 

home or a

house, or 

beautiful, now.

thanks, bio lab report that I didn't understand well enough to finish.

Oh, this chemistry is gruesome 

"glad we've got each other"

but once it's gone, 

once it's gone 

it'll be sudden like a 

rainstorm in the middle of july 

because we can't ever get it back 

to spend forever trying to 

figure out what we lack

ed 

and what all those tears were about that time

what produced those, 

heavy drops on risen cheek bones, 

something in the science that we rely on to get us 

from here to 

there

to

to 

together.

where washington meets commonwealth.

She's not here anymore 

She's not here anymore 

But the cars still go 

Alone most of the the time

Sunk low most of the time

But the cars still go 

And the people still walk by my small dim lit room 

Talking to each other and going to be somewhere

and whether or not they get there

The cars still go. 

And I can hear the volume in the next room over

I can hear the light on and I can feel the distance 

and it's just a little cold but

The cars still go. 

And the aching in my body lets my fingers know 

that the winters' running faster than my blood can flow. 

In another place I'm sure I've got a smile on, 

I can sense it just a little when the shades are drawn, 

heavy blankets on, 

but the cars still go. 

and the cars still go.  

all the time, right now.

it's the worst on the way down

like swallowing a brick and 

and without anything to wash it down with. 

Dry. And this is the first October that I can recall feeling so 

Dry. Today just started and kept going and it hasn't stopped 

and I'm so 

I'm so tired 

but 

my room is cold. 

It's freezing and I don't remember what it's like to be in love or how a rose smells, 

and 

and it's a stinging feeling, 

just to know that.

and it's all the time, 

right now. 

what it's like (pt 2)

AND SO IT BEGINS. 

the thickening of skin 

we are forced to live in runs too thin 

runs

too 

thin 

purple 

fingers 

a 

cold 

that 

lingers 

too long. 

hdjskhfksdla (what it's like)

i don't know

already though 

i'm nervous, so be careful

this could hurt us 

or maybe just me 

or maybe just me, okay

i don't talk 

out loud, a lot 

the sky looks 

nice with *

right 

under it

or maybe it's just me 

or maybe it's just me. 

The sand and the sea.

The waves and the wuuusshh,

that they make when they're going the other way, 

opposite, the shore. 

see this is what i mean

if you hold my hand, and it's raining 

and the phone doesn't ring 

all day, long day, 

as long as a frozen play

the time it takes a dull speech to be made

are you awake

are you awake 

i'll stay 

if you promise me something

anything

really anything

at all 

and 

and if you hold my hand, and it's raining.

today

Oh it hurts enough

to know 

this much 

and growing up 

when I am touched 

it feels and rushes down 

down to my ankles 

rises up again and 

someone made it 

such a tricky game 

so I am not focused on winning 

I am not a 

will you tell me 

(when it's over)

if the ache is gone forever

I will run and I will never 

stop. 

The way in which he walked away 

that time, 

with a blank stare and a smile that said something 

along the lines of 

I can go days without your voice

and I've already seen a more beautiful late afternoon... 

but do you see the birds are out 

they chirp and tweet but most of all they shout 

for you and me, 

because it's obvious, 

the sea 

in which we swim has finally

grown smaller 

than our fins and the quiet we've been keeping in 

strays, seeping from our quivering chins 

and you haven't looked as lived in 

since I realized that you'd given in

already 

the apparent mess that persists 

makes you twist and turn like cold spaghetti

limp, and just not the same, 

and just not the same. 

"ohhhhh, sweeettt nothinnnnnn'..."

Oh no, she didn't see it comin' 

'fraid to slow down, 

been fast, runnin' for a long time 

past the great vines and the bus stop and the place where

all the great 

big 

hot 

and hard headed men wait around for a beer and come mornin' 

child, wild as all hell, 

she will be more awake than ever

cold, 7a.m., fire in her eyes, and the getting back to where you belong, 

and oh, no, she didn't even see it comin' 

but lord was she ready...

there is sugar in your fucking soy milk

THIS SHOULDN'T BE AS HARD AS IT 

is, 

because we had it figured out and there were plans and 

you smiled when I nodded and I'd count the days you weren't around

and then the minutes, but now the sounds of your heavy footsteps at night 

late, 

and angry 

and maybe a little drunk, 

and jealous and I TOLD YOU SO, 

you're saying it 

without saying it 

without saying it

without saying it 

I cleaned up, 

but don't mention it, you know..

my heart pounds like heavy rain hard on concrete and furious with the sky!

...but I digress.

what now construction men

there is a little kitten, black 

in my lap and 

outside my apartment men are making a lot of noise

and it sounds like 

ssswwwwssshhhhh and beep beep beep beep and uuunngggggggggggggg

drowning out the sound of the T and the cars and the people that walk by, 

and I'm in here, 

most of the time, 

I'm in here with an angry stomach and

ian curtis the kitten is asleep and 

morrissey the cat is on a different adventure in a different room- 

this is a very small apartment 

but there's usually enough room in it to feel lonely, 

green ginger tea, 

anxiety, 

and trying hard to remember other places.